<3 Waiting on that eternal LoVe <3 [entries|friends|calendar] i_love_y0u_694 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Letting some things out... [21 Apr 2006|10:54pm] This is me venting. If what you have to say is negative I really don't want to hear it. I'm just letting somethings out. *As much as I hate admitting It " I still love him ". *I miss him and wish he wasn't with " her " *I don't really want to ever be with him again, I just don't want anyone to be with him. *I don't want anyone else to be " his world " because I was his for so long. *I guess I miss what we could have been..not what we were. *I just loved him so much and I still do and I don't feel like he deserves it..I guess. *I feel how I feel no matter what but It sucks to still love that person..despite what happened. *I wish It could all be redone..because part of me will aLwAyS love him and that is scary. I want so badly to find someone so amazing. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who I get along with. Someone who is byfar my best friend. Someone I could not live without. I want that loving relationship. I want that comfort. I also really think I need to learn how to build a relationship. The one's I have been in have started wrong. It started with lust and passion and not trust and loyalty. I'm scared the next relationship will fuck up because I have trouble communicating when I am unhappy. I enjoy the pleasure of sexual encounters but I need to remember there are other more important things when you are in a relaionship. I think the best thing for me is to stay away from guys right now..because the ones I am attracted to are the wrong kind of guys and all I do is fall for them and get hurt. The good ones probably approach but I don't even notice them. Story of my life eh?\ By the way. I love and miss my Papa. I wish so badly he could be at my graduation. they died

GaY... [02 Apr 2006|11:23pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Gary Allen- Life aint always beautiful ] Yeah, I just need to vent. I worry about everything and ANYTHING..and I need to stop. I need to put it in God's hands but sometimes my perception of " faith " gets pretty blurry. I try to believe in that " whatever happens, happens for a reason " but sometimes..I wonder what the fuck the reason really is. Like is God testing me? I hope I pass the test but damn I need a break. I know things could 1000 times worse. I don't really have too much to complain but I always find shit to bitch about. My grandmother is getting worse day by day. It's sad to watch her just get weaker and weaker. It sucks to not have any control over the situation and there isn't anything I can do for her really. I think I'll be okay when she passes away because she'll finally be with my grandfather and I know for sure she'd be so happy.. but yet, I know I'll ball my eyes out and cry like a baby. I guess I've gotten pretty attached to her since we live with her now and It would be awkward without her here...cause we moved to be with her. Guys...wow where do I begin? It's still the same old story. I guess I go for the wrong ones. They just suck ass. They disappoint me everytime. I wish I could be single forever..and then I'd know for sure I'd be safe..no heartache or tears. But that would be a lonely life...without someone. I guess I push relationships since I want someone so bad. I want someone good though..someone I have fun with..someone who is by far my best friend. Maybe I'll find that one day? Work is the same. Drama and stress but I guess it's good I have a job. Some ppl do not so therefore I am grateful. Work keeps me busy and my mind off stupid shit that I cannot control. :) I cannot wait to go to NY. It's sad but that is one thing I am looking forward to....but it's not til August. I need a vacation before then. Blah. Good night ya'll. 1 loved me|they died

blah. [23 Mar 2006|01:49pm] [ mood | bored ] Um boys suck and there isn't anything else to say about that. they died

I fucked up big time [20 Mar 2006|02:42pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | What hurts the most - Rascal Flats ] Okay so It's not hard to say that I haven't had good relationships in the past...which means I took part in the mess ups. I don't know exactly how to handle problems..It is easier for me to run away than to confront them and try to fix them. I think I am slowly pushing him away and that is honestly the last thing I want to do. I want him to just understand that when he says " we're gonna hang out today " that we actually hang out because everything he says matters to me and I believe what he says. And I want him to know that when he jokes about serious stuff that It hurts my feelings and he has apologized and he told me that " I am his girl and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and he was only kidding and he was waiting on me to joke with him and crack on him " but he goes a little too far sometimes..at least I think anyways. He means a lot to me and me and him need to communicate more. I think that is the basis for a good relationship, that and trust. If you do not communicate you do not really have much of anything. It started when he cracked a few jokes about me..that just pushed me away. And then he said we'd hang out and he ended up hanging with his friends..and I guess I just felt kind of hurt because I was looking forward to hanging out with him and his friends. Just one thing after another just started slowly pushing me away and I just was like " wow maybe we should've talked about what we want or expected before we started dating each other ". Do not get me wrong he is a doll and I adore him and I think If we BOTH try we can work this out. But I think we're both hurt because he knows Dan still likes me and I guess he thinks I may leave him for Dan since I haven't seemed happy lately..but I am NOT. I haven't been happy but I'm not going to run to any other guy for comfort. I want HIM..I want us...I want to be happy together. He's really frustrated and I know why. I messed up a lot lately by telling him I would hang out with Dan...and yes I can hang out with who I want but Dan likes me and that just isn't a good idea. And he has a right to be really pissed off at me. But I think despite everything we should talk about it. He has to still care about me because If he doesn't then maybe he never did. You can't just throw something away. We might not have dated for long but we cared about each other A LOT and we were getting closer. I just hope he can let this go and move on.. I guess we'll see what happens.. If it counts for anything..I'm Sorry and I hope he knows that I Like Him A LOT!!! And I'm scared to lose him..even though I try to pretend that It wouldn't bother me at all..It would break my heart. they died

fearing love [15 Mar 2006|11:21pm] [ mood | crushed ] So have you guys ever felt so strongly about something...yet feared it so much you saw yourself wanting out as fast as possible? Fearing something in my mind is a weakness and It should be conquered..but it's really scary. After my grandfather passed away in May it's like everything I loved and everyone I loved..just like got really fuzzy. My vision of everything that was okay is now totally not. It's not that I don't care about him cause I do but it's like I am totally scared. The only person I've really LOVED like that unconditional family love was my grandfather and he left without a goodbye or anything...and I guess I fear something like that happening to anyone I get close to. I don't know why It's more so to Jimmy or any guy I like but I don't want to get hurt and when I find myself falling for someone I decide to pick out the little things that are wrong and blow em' out of porportion so that I can run away so I don't get hurt. It's not fair to him...because he is a terrific person..It's really more me than anything. It's something I need to fix but I don't really know how. I fear love yet in my heart I want it sooo bad. I want true love and when It comes close to me I run away like a big baby. I'll post an update when things change..we'll see. x!~Jess~!x they died

[06 Mar 2006|01:43pm] [ mood | curious ] ...I hope he knows he has my heart And where ever he goes I hope I go along with him I hope he knows that when I am in his arms I feel so safe And nothing I mean nothing can harm me ...I hope he knows he is the reason I smile And the reason I laugh He is the reason I look forward to every new day I hope he never goes away I'm scared for the feelings I feel But they will fade away If they are not real I know If It doesn't last then I'll be okay But in my heart is where I hope he stays He takes my breath away. they died

[18 Aug 2005|10:43pm] [ mood | shocked ] R.I.P. JOHNATHAN CARREL HOPPER* 10/25/85 - 8/11/05 We will always miss you. I loved you dearly. You were always the life of the party. You always could make me smile. I love you Hopper!! they died

[16 Aug 2005|03:54pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | Three Days Grace ] Him *She waits for him to call every night To hear his voice always seems to make everything alright There goes yet another night he has forgotten about her Another night he disappoints her *She goes to bed wth tears in her eyes She wonders what will be his excuse this time as she rolls her eyes Everyday she hopes he will change, for when he makes her sad her heart begins to die She's so tired of all the lies *Tired of getting her hopes high and then he brings her down She's tired of making excuses for him even though she knows that what he's doing isn't right Nothing ever seems to go the way she'd like them to when he calls, she's tired of fighting She's all out of answers, in her heart she knows what she needs to do They never really ever talked he only yelled and she ending up crying *She's afraid that If she leaves she would never see him What she is really afraid of is needing him She's scared to be alone She's been with him for so long *She thinks how bad off she could be without him near She wonders If there is somone else out there Somebody who could make her smile everyday And never yell because he didn't have anything else to say *One night after a huge fight she walked out She tried to drive home as she cried her eyes out She was fed up and tired of going through the same stuff She knew in a matter of him he'd call and beg for her back, trying to call her bluff *She never went back and never will He's the first guy she ever cared about and is still But she knows now that she's better off without him to hurt her And the past is definitely behind her! they died

[15 Aug 2005|11:59pm] [ mood | sad ] PaPa, I miss you so much. I can't help but cry. I know you don't want me to..you never wanted us to feel an ounce of pain. Without you here is so hard. To know I'll never see your face again or hear your voice breaks my heart. I feel you all the time but still it's not the same as having you physically here. I know you'll never leave our sides..and you are always in our hearts. The pain will always hurt and I don't know If It will ever lessen. I just keep hoping this is a terrible nightmare and It'll all be over soon but I know it's not. I am reminded everytime I see Grammy without you. That look on her face..that worried look is so painful. I wish I could bring you back..not just for me but for all of us. Everything has changed because you have gone. We've all had our share of bad days and they will continue. Without you in our family it just doesn't quite seem right. I know this isn't how you wanted it to be. You always said you would rather have Grammy gone before you because you knew you would be "alright" more so than she is. And of course you were right. She's so lost. I know that when her time comes she won't die of a disease or a problem it will be of a broken heart. Gah I miss you so much. I love you. Love, Your One And Only Granddaughter they died

[15 Aug 2005|07:52am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Green Day! ] So lately my life has consisted of work, school, and hangin' out. I shall not complain even though I am exhausted. It is all good. I had a really good weekend. Friday= Fun party..I was totally wasted. lol. And the rest of the weekend I worked but It's alright. It was worth it. And looks this weekend will be the same. Yippy! I'm excited. I really like Dan. He's very sweet. Almost strange that he seems to be what I have always wanted..I just hope things continue to go this way. I hope I don't ruin it by letting the past get to me. I really want to be in a relationship that is POSITVIE..but just scared of how my last one was. I know everything is gonna be fine.. Cross your fingers for me..please. See y'all. they died

hmm [05 Aug 2005|02:39pm] I want to be in love that is it. It was nice..or the thought of being in love..whether I was or wasn't..isn't the case. I thought I was and It was an amazing feeling. I know it's not smart to get wrapped up into one guy..believe me I know. I have gotten my heart broken doing that..but guys are my weakness. I'm lonely yet I can do without an asshole..for sure. I want a gentleman definitely. I guess I'll be alone for a while If that is what I am looking for lol. I got treated like shit before and well I'm fuckin' fed up with getting treated like that..though that was a lot of my fault. Casue I stuck around..but anyways. My point is..I'm trying to make smarter choices because of the mistakes I have made in the past. I often have to learn the hard way to actually learn. I think It is good to make mistakes and I think It's important to have relationships whether they are good or bad..they ultimately make you stronger and make you who you are today. I also think it's important to stay young as long as you can and enjoy everyday that you have been given. ~I like you but I understand the circumstances and what you have told me. I just want to know If you have ANY feelings at all..whether you can act on them at the moment doesn't matter..I just want to know If anything will happen in the future. You are an awesome guy and I do not know If you know that so that is why I am telling you. You always make me laugh and smile and you have this awesome attitude about life and you just don't care about shit..and I think that is really awesome and good.~ they died

[03 Aug 2005|10:57pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | nothin' ] I see you and I get so excited, You know you see it I'm not trying to hide it My heart starts beating It's only you I am seeing I often wonder what you're thinking I wonder If you dream at night and If It's me you are seeing I wonder If you ever forget what to say? I wonder when you see me does that make your day? Am I the one that makes you believe in love? Am I the one you are always thinking of? Do I make you believe the unbelievable? Am I unique and special? When you go home at night am I constantly all you see? When you think of happiness is it you and me? Do I make you want to be around me as much as possible? Do I make being aroumd me enjoyable? I know one thing is true, I just want to be with you It doesn't matter what you've done, I like you for you You make me happy and I always smile Everyday that you are around me is worth while So I'm calling you out because I don't want to wait, If you keep hesitating it could be too late There is no "perfect" timing than now, at this moment So get rid of your pride and ask me out, I promise you won't go home disappointed they died

[31 Jul 2005|03:58pm] 1. Reply with your name and I'll write something about you. 2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. 3. If you were a fruit you'd be... 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to me and you. 5. I will tell you my first memory of you. 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of 7. I'll tell you something that i've always wondered about you. 8. Put this in your journal 1 loved me|they died

I'm upset. [30 Jul 2005|11:49pm] [ mood | sad ] Blah. I am very upset. Lately I have been slightly depressed. My grandfather's 3 months since he passed away is tomorrow. I am not looking forward to even being around my family tomorrow because just like today..they get all emotional. I am an emotional wreck about the whole situation itself..so people talking about it more just makes me worse. I know we all miss him but I don't know. I just hate knowing he's really not around. It's not fair and I know life isn't fair..but I hate death. I'll never be able to understand it. It hurts people. I miss him so much. I've cried all week..I guess because I am finally getting the point that he isn't coming back. And I'm trying to live my life the way he would want me to. I want him to be proud of his " little girl ". I don't want him to wish I did something different or have me change something I did. Gah. He was honestly one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He was soo smart and full of so much wisdom. Everyday I miss him more. Family events and holidays totally suck without him. I'm definitely going to miss him on my birthday and Christmas most. Here is what I wrote to him at his funeral. "We are all here today to celebrate and honor the life of a wonderful human being. A man of wisdom and generosity. A man who cared less about himself and more about the people around him, whether you were a stranger or part of our family. He was his last priority. A man who touched all of our lives in many different ways. Whether you knew him personally or just by his huge smile and wave while he was tending to his yard. He was an extremely amazing husband, father, grandfather and friend. Words cannot express personally what he meant to me. I never thought, any of us thought today would come so soon, so here I go trying to sum up into words how this incredible man meant to me. He was the man who lit up the room when he walked into it, he was the one voice you heard over everyone else, the one who would go out of his way to give you a hug and kiss, the one who by the smile on his face you knew how much he enjoyed your company, the one who made you feel so important while you were in his presence, the one that family meant most to and for that I will always remain close to my family. Without your family you have nothing and he taught me that. Without the support of my family here I wouldn't be able to get up and stand here today and talk about this man that meant the world to me. I want him to always look down on me and be proud of " his girl "..his only granddaughter. For as long as I live I will always make sure I am doing ALL I can to make him proud. In my heart I know he is with us now and forever and when I graduate he will bet here and when I get married he'll be there too. I know he will always be around and he will always be smiling that famous smile. So today and everyday we will honor him by the amazing amount of memories we have and through is wisdom, lectures and stories that remain in us forever, we all have a piece of him in us. " they died

[26 Jul 2005|02:44pm] [ mood | happy ] New York was Amazing! I'll put pics on here if and when my computer works. I had a blast and i am going back soon. Y'all give me a call If u wanna hang out before schools starts back. 770-652-6543 :) they died

[19 Jul 2005|06:43pm] New York is awesome. I love it. See y'all saturday. :) they died

update.. [06 Jul 2005|03:01pm] [ mood | guilty ] [ music | Kenny Chesney ] Well, my computer is fucked up and I am on my mom's at her work. Everything has been going farely well. Me and John = nothing. He was too good to be true and has really fucked up again the image I have for guys. He really seemed " too nice " and I told Jess I was waiting for him to mess up and he did. He told me I wasn't enough for him..well he didn't say that exactly but I am obviously not what he wants. I heard from many people he is talking to a stripper..how fucking low can you get? Anyhow. It's okay. I'll be fine. I just wish someone good would come along. Work is making me crazy but what else is new? I go to New York the 18th and It couldn't come any slower. I wanna go now! I wanna leave this place. Well..that's it for now. :) <3 Y'all. they died

[30 Jun 2005|01:34am] [ mood | tired ] * "There are no random acts. We are all connected. You can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from a wind ". " Fairness does not govern life and death . If It did, no good person would ever die young ". " The Human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death DOESN'T just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being take and being missed, lives are changed ". " Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know ". - The Five People You Meet in Heaven - I Love This book!!! It talks about how important the little things in your life that you do are..that even though you might see it as " random " it is anything but that. You touched lives everyday though you never know it. It talks about how heaven is suppose to teach you to understand the meaning to your life. " This is the greatest gift God can give you : to understand the meaning of your life. it is the peace you have been searching for ". Anyhow. I'm hungry and It's early in the morning. I need sleep but I just talked to John and for some reason I can't sleep now. LoL. He's awesome. We MAY be going to White Water friday If he doesn't go to Bama to get fireworks..grr. I hope he doesn't but then again whatever is cool with me. Sunday = Alicia's party..ugh. I have to work @ 11 so I can't drink..Oh well though. Monday = work and 4th Of July. I want someone so bad..just to watch fireworks with. I know I'll be w/ friends but I want a special someone..someone named JOHN! Grr. It'll all work out for the best. Well goodnight/goodmorning :) they died

News.. [27 Jun 2005|08:50pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Third Days Grace ] I never thought I'd ever really be interested in reading. But this book called " Five People You Meet In Heaven " it is really inspiring. It makes you really wonder If and how important you were and how you affected other people's lives. I am almost done with it. And trust me I don't ever pick up a book and read it..and It's been hard to put it down. I sound like a nerd but I don't care. Here's a quote from the book that I really like. *No Life Is a Waste, The Only Time we waste is by thinking we are all alone* About me and " My Southern Gentleman "..I don't know but I really like him. He's so nice and so funny and we get along really well. I am tired. I didn't really sleep at all last night. I had a lot of things on my mind. Again as I say in a lot of my enteries..I Love Jessica. She is fuckin' awesome. they died

dumbass [27 Jun 2005|03:38am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | nothing ] I'm not enough for him..damn how many times have I heard that..or noticed that? I should have seen it coming..I fall way too fast for guys. they died

Here I go again.. [26 Jun 2005|10:31pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Lifehouse ] Yeah, so I'm looking back on the years that have passed as I do from time to time. I feel as though when I see what the past was like that I have a lot to be thankful for. My family is amazing and I cherish them with every bit of my heart. My friends are there to listen to me complain, or just to be silly. They are what holds me together when the world is pulling me at both ends. They give me comfort and trust and I could not be me without them. I've noticed that everything that has happened to me has made me a bit stronger. Things that have happened to me I never thought I'd have to endure..I never though that some of those things could ever happen to me. But they did and hey I am still here and going strong. It is true that God will not give us anything we cannot handle even though at the time it feels like a mountain is on top of us weighing us down. All we truely need in life is love and I have learned that more so lately then ever. I met John and his friends a few weeks ago. They are amazing guys. They really have my back and are my new best guy friends. I spent the night @ John's house after doing some investigating from random ppl that know him and they didn't have anything bad to say. I was sober and everyone else was pretty gone. Nothing happened and that's awesome. I'm glad. He's a doll. I call him a southern gentlemen..and I feel safe and happy around him. He makes me feel worthy. You may think I was pretty stupid to already stay with him after only knowing him a while but I have this wonderful feeling about him and I just know he is a good guy. I cannot explain it..it's just what I feel and I know I'm right. He explained to me that I am enough for any guy and that what I want is okay and that I will find the right guy soon enough. they died

Talking out my ass.. [25 Jun 2005|11:18pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | John talkin..lol ] Well, I always thought that since me and Chris were over I'd never speak to him or think of him. I thought he'd never have apart of my life again in any way shape or form. But he does and It sucks. He has a hold on my heart souly because he hurt me so bad. It scares me to ever think I could love again and be TRUELY loved in return. I hate how everytime I meet a guy..I'm terrified to even date him. I can't handle being with someone like Chris again. I don't know how I made it out of that relationship alive. I know I'm stronger now and wiser. But I just am ashamed of allowing myself to be apart of something so destructive and evil. I guess when you think you are " In Love " with someone..that " love " blinds you..and doesn't allow you to see the faults. Well I see them now. And well it's too late. But a learned a wonderufl lesson and It will always be apart of me..which I guess is good and bad. I just hate being so depressed when I think of him and everything we went through. I hate how everytime I see someone fight or hear someone yell the replays of our violent days go through my mind over and over again. It makes me really sad that someone that has such great potential as Chris does..he just fucks it up. He is certainly still a little boy and I hope he never hurts another girl but that is very doubtful. I hope I meet a wonderful man that will take care of me and make me laugh and smile. That's all I want. they died

I'm sleepy.. [25 Jun 2005|05:46pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Gavin DeGraw ] Last night was fun. Everybody is so cool..I'm glad I have some new cool guy friends. Jessica rox my sox lol..as always. I got made fun of a little less last night but I know they got love for me. I hate when ppl yell..period..but especially when they drink but It got worked out. I really like him..but I don't know where it's gonna go. He's a southern gentleman. I like that a lot too. I'm finding that everything he does or says..is somehow okay. I love the way he thinks..and how he is so positive..because sometimes I am a really negative person. I love how he sees the beauty that I don't see in myself. I love that he has morals and that he takes cares of his drunk/sober friends..period he just cares about his friends. Everybody there has my back forever and I think that's awesome. Me and " him " SLEPT together and honestly I love the fact that he didn't try anything...surprisingly guys would or If they didn't I'd be laying there wishing something would happen lol. But not this time. I kind of am unsure If I even want to date him cuz when me and Chris were together it was all about getting some..and right now we're just friends and it's nice. It's nice to get to know someone and understand them for who they are. I'm excited to see where it does lead..If anywhere. I enjoy being around him and his friends..always. Mike is the shit. I love that boy. He's my nehgra!! Monday my grandma goes in for surgery and I am scared to death. Last time I was in a hopsital my grandpa died and I can't go through that pain again. What is sad though is I think she wants to die so she can be with him. I just pray everything works out for the best. Pray for us please. Me and My Grandpa..I love you " PaPa ". You are on my mind everyday. The family isn't the same without you. I hear your voice every where I go and I see your face constantly. I know you're around. "The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person" "Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to be lost again." "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." "I thought I was patient, I thought I was kind, but God won't put you in my hands. I'll wait forever for your love, but I have to admit, I'm dying to meet you." they died

[24 Jun 2005|02:34pm] [ mood | curious ] Ugh. I feel like shit. Nothing else to say but..I guess I had fun? lol. 1 loved me|they died

Interesting.. [23 Jun 2005|08:23pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | Trisha Yearwood ] Last night was so much fun. I <3 Jessica very much. She's awesome. I like her tits..I mean I wish mine were that big sometimes. She wants my ass lol haha fair trade eh? Yeah, John and his friends are really funny. I like them lots..and John too :) Anyhow..we stayed @ Waffle House til like 2:45 this morning. It was so much fun though. They of course made fun of me half the time but hey It's all good. They love me. The other night @ Alicia's John said " hey look you have two clocks like right beside each other " and I said " where's the COCK ? "..and well I meant clock! I felt like a fucking dumbass. I keep being an idiot but It's okay. I worked from 9 - 5 today. Washed my car since John put " Dan Loves Jessica " on it..he was right It really was an incentive for me to wash my car. I don't really have any complaints except that I am tired but that was my fault and It's all good. I wish John would tell me he likes me straight up...even though I can tell he does already. It would just be nice to know where we stand..and that we are on the same page..cuz I think we are. He's coming over later and so is Jessica. Me and Jessica are drinking but he can't since he has to work but he's gonna purchase it and chill. Tomorrow he might have a party..but I have to work @ 9 so eh..I don't know what to do. I like him a lot though..and he makes me laugh a lot. :) they died

Completely utter blabbering... [22 Jun 2005|04:08pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | Lifehouse BITCHES <3 ] I really honestly don't have too much to say..I'm just fuckin' bored. I have to go to work in a bit. I'm totally not psyched about it. Got home from Alicia's around 2:45 this morning. And yes I am still kind of tired. It's all good though. Jessica loves Jessica. She's awesome. She's like another me but black and has better tits. I'm jealous. :( She rox. Alicia cracks me up. The new Real World Austin fuckin is awesome. That dude got punched like a mother fucker. I laughed for like 10 mins...literally. I'm not marrying Dan..damnit! lol. He's not my type in any way shape or form. Alicia jokingly says I'm going to marry John. LoL. He's cute though and nice. Hopefully we'll hang out more often. I wanna get trashed with him and everybody this weekend. Since I'm going to NYC I cannot take anymore time off for work..SHIT! I really hope my schedule for next week isn't terrible. I know I have monday off because I gotta go to the hospital with my grandma. Hopefully all that will work itself out. I know God won't give me anything that I cannot handle..in my heart I really do believe that. It's just hard when you never saw it coming..and bam you're hit with horrible news. I cannot bear to lose my grandma..none of us can so hopefully it'll be okay. It's sad to say but I think she is almost hoping she will die so she can be with him. She hates being without him..she's doing good though for all of us. If It was up to her she would have went with him. I know she's miserable..but God will take care of it all. I know that too. He'll take care of all of us..<3 Well I'm going to be positive so here I go...Work is going to be great...I love it! HA. 1 loved me|they died

Life.. [21 Jun 2005|11:21am] [ mood | content ] [ music | LeAnn Rimes ] Yesterday I hung out w/ Kyle. He's a doll. We went to eat and to Forest Park. He had to go to Nopi. I love a guy that can drive good..he's cute..too bad he has a pretty girlfriend. Oh well. I talked to John the other night and he's so nice. He seems to totally understand me and we seem to have the same stories about past relationships. We always have been the ones that got walked all over. I was telling about the worst relationship I have ever been in with CHRISTOPHER PATTERSON. He was just telling me that I should look at it as a learning experience that way It'll never happen again. And It is definitely a learning experience and I know exactly what I don't ever want! That hellish relationship taught me that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. John also told me that what I want in a relationship should never be down sized so that when I find someone with all those wonderful qualities I'll be able to cherish it. He's sweet..and he's 22. But I don't care about the age difference. He's really smart and not immature like the high school boys. I don't know where this might go but we'll just wait and see. It's actually nice because I don't feel like I have to worry about it..it'll just happen. :) I'm in a really good mood right now and about me and him. I know he thinks I'm cute and he wants to get to know me more. He's a really good guy and I know he's not like every other guy and It's nice to be so sure. You can just tell about some guys..he's just a genuine guy. Hopefully tonight I'm going to Alicia's and he'll be there and we'll hang out again. I saw him last night..he's funny. And Friday or Saturday he's suppose to have a party..and he better damnit! LoL. I wanna get fucked up. Anyhow..I gotta get ready for work..see y'all. they died

Lately... [19 Jun 2005|11:09pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Leann Rimes ] Well Friday John, Wolfe, Mike, Steve and I went to see Batman. It was really good..suprisingly. I had my doubt and I don't know why but I did. I was happy though. Then at like 3:00 am we went to Waffle House. I saw Preston there but I didn't get to talk to him because he was on the other side. Anyhow we had a good time. Those guys are nice to hang out with. I'm almost always the only girl it seems but they don't make me feel that way. I am happy I found some really great friends. Alicia is my girl. I love her to death. Hopefully we'll always be friends. She's got my back and I for sure have hers. Today we did things a lot different since my Papa passed away. We didn't want the normal family gathering at someone's house because his seat would be empty and It was just too hard. So my mom, dad, brother, grandma and I went to Cracker Barrel. And the rest of my family did something yesterday. All in all it was a really great day. It makes you really appreciate what family you have and never take for granted what you have because a piece of our family is gone and that hurt will never go away. But I have no regrets..none of us do. Papa loved us and we were together as a family every chance we could get..so yay. I'm very happy. But I do miss my Papa. It's okay though I;m gonna smile anyhow :) Hope everyone had a blessed day. 1 loved me|they died

How I feel today. [16 Jun 2005|11:24pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | nothing.. ] * I wanna be held right now.. * I want so badly to be loved by someone amazing.. * I miss all the " couple " like things that I once did.. * I want a GREAT relationship that doesn't hurt me in the end.. * I want to find a terrific guy that treats me like an angel.. * I want him to be one of my best friends because the guy you're with needs to be someone you could not live without and you cannot live without friends.. * I miss my grandpa more than words could ever express * I'm listening to the funeral procession..it's really sad but honoring at the same time.. * I've never lost someone I cared about so much..I suppose that is a blessing.. * I don't think crying shows weakness..It shows how you truly feel..and it shows that you can be real.. * I love and miss some of my friends I don't get to hang out with much but they mean the world to me.. * Friendship means a lot to me because true friendships are hard to find..and to all my friends I love you guys dearly.. * I cannot wait til New York..One more month :) Yippy.. Well..I'm done for now guys..Love You.. I Come To The Garden Alone I come to the garden alone, While the dew is still on the roses; And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, The Son of God discloses. And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known. He speaks, and the sound of His voice Is so sweet the birds hush their singing; And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing. And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known. I'd stay in the garden with Him Tho' the night around me be falling; But He bids me go- thru' the voice of woe, His voice to me is calling. And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there None other has ever known. ***~~~That song was played @ my grandpa's funeral..it's really beautiful. they died

For everyone to fill out. [13 Jun 2005|06:03pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Nothing ] .Your Name: 2. Age: 3. Fave Color: 4. Fave Movie: 5. Fave Song: 6. Fave Band: 7. Most Embarassing Moment: 8. Are you a virgin? HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ... 1. Are we friends? 2. Do you have a crush/attracted to me? 3. Would you kiss me? 4. ...with tongue? 5. Would you enjoy it? 6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out? 7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater? 8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you. 9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick? 10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before? 11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me? 12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me? 13. Do you think I'm a good person? 14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)? 15.Do you think I'm Hot? 16. Would you call me just because? 17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you? 18. If you could change anything about me, would you? 19.Would you have sex with me? 20.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out? 21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? 1 loved me|they died

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